From the, "Are you Fucking Kidding Me?!?!?" Files.

RIAA Says No Dancing To Music On YouTube

RIAA is apparently sending out cease-and-desist letters to YouTube users who dare to put up videos of things such as themselves dancing to music they haven't licensed.

And they say Big Brother is not watching....horseshit!

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How Much Man-Candy Can One Man Stand?

Last night I stayed in and did some marathon movie watching as the red envelopes from Netflix were starting to pile up. I know the following two titles have been out for forever but I have just not gotten around to putting my ass in a chair long enough to watch. So, without further adieux, here are my reviews of Troy and Pearl Harbor.

I don't know who financed Troy but they had $3 more than God. When you look at the credits and see who was in the film, you know there was some serious cash thrown around. What surprised me about Troy was despite the talent of the cast, the interesting premise for the story this movie still went down in the flames of mediocrity like greek fire on a funeral pyre. I will say that Brad Pitt managed to get himself in phenomenal shape for this film, however I was not all about seeing greasy, man-ass no matter what shape it was in.

Orlando Bloom was a bitch, plain and simple. Not even his heroics could redeem him in my eyes. I would go into further detail but for the 2 people left on the planet who havent seen it, I don't want to ruin it. Eric Banas did an excellent job in the film and I was happy to see he is still able to get work after, The Hulk. It's not many actors that can make a comeback after punching dogs in the balls. Peter O'Toole, Brian Cox the names go on and on and I was just mildly disappointed with the film.

I give Troy a thumb raised half way.

For the past couple of years I have heard people say that Ben Affleck can't act and there was a large part of me that felt they were just hating on a local boy making good. After sitting through the fucking epic, Pearl Harbor, I am now a believer.

The film it self was good. I think there was just to much going on for the writers and directors to pay attention to without having this turn into a 6 hour film. Besides Affleck's lackluster performance there is the matter of horrible accents, no continuity and the fact there was no other character development for Cuba Gooding Jr. once he finally got to touch a weapon. This movie was a prime example on too many chiefs and not enough indians. However, I will say there was some spectacular camera work and cinematography in Pearl Harbor. When Japan was invading Pearl Harbor the landscape shots were breath taking.

The plot had more cheese in it than the state od Wisconsin. It didn't kill the film but you definetly noticed it. I can recommend Pearl Harbor, it was enjoyable to watch even it it was was about an hour too long. I give it one thumb on the half raise.

At ease private.

Yay!!!

Just in case anyone cares, Hello Kitty turned 30 recently.

This stuff is so cute and cool cause it lets me dive into pop culture from around the world.

Cheers,
JJ

SKUNKED AGAIN!!!

Tonight was fucking weird. I had to run some errands and take care of some business, and I had planned to go and see a film. Probably something with these dirty bastards in it.

So, when I had finished all of my chores and other shizzles required of me, I drove to the local cinema. I pulled into the parking lot and prepared to bend over and grab my ankles, I was about to get fucked in the rump and have to pay $9.75 for that pleasure.

I walked to the front door of Chez Cinema and pulled. CLANK! The door would not open. Even though I thought this a bit odd, maybe only one door was locked. I tried the right door next, CLUNK! What the fuck?! The spry young lad behind the ticket counter came out from his pillbox. He opened the doors, "Can I help you?" Though the youth asked if he could be of any assistance, his tone of voice was quite cross and I knew he would rather I go fuck my mother.

"Yeah I'm here for the 9PM showing of Brothers Grimm" I told him. "We don't show movies past 7:30 during the week" he replied and stifled a laugh. "The newspaper and Internet say otherwise" I retorted. He folded his arms and made his position very clear. I could have 100 beautiful virgins ready to suck his cock, while I showered him with $1000 bills, I was not seeing a movie.

Seeing this was a losing battle, I cut my losses and decided to leave. I was fine until he threw in, "sorry about that cheif, better luck next time." It was at that point I wanted shove my forearm so far up his ass he would have to have wooden teeth and sit on my lap to be able to talk. Though I was mad, I walked away angry and dejected. I went to Target and tried to find a movie to buy.

I found fuck all at Target, so I went home and drank Diet Dr. Pepper until I was so mad, I was worried I was going to have a seizure.

Since when is a 9PM movie pushing the envelope of, "too late"? Where the hell do I live, Utah?

Nothing but savages in this place.

Cheers,
JJ

Laughed My Ass Off!!!

The 40 Year Old Virgin was one of those films that I went into with the feeling that after the movie was over, I'd feel as though I wanted those two hours of my life back. I was using a pass given to me as a gift from one of my customers on my paper route, so oddly enough, it was a win/win situation. There are many good things to say about this film, but I was most impressed with the fact Director, Judd Apatow and Executive Producer/Star, Steve Carell tried to keep the film as real as possible.

The film was consistantly funny. Whether you were laughing at Carell's bumbling inadequacy in dealing with the fairer sex or the blatant dyscfunction of Carell's best friends, (played by Paul Rudd, Romany Malco and Seth Rogen. You may remember Rudd from Anchorman and Rogan from Donny Darko, but Romany has done a bunch of shit I have neither seen nor heard of.) you can identify with each characters struggle, or lack there of with relationships. Without giving too much away, one of the funniest scenes in the film is an argument between Rudd and Rogen over how they knew the other was gay.

Clocking in at just under two hours JackassJimmy gives this flick two thumbs up your butt. If you see this in the theater, you will not be disappointed. However, there were several times I wished I was home so I could have pissed my pants laughing.

Finally, Steve Carell seems to be really coming into his own and this film proves it. Between this flick and his work on The Office, even though his comedy stylings are different, Carell will give Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler a run for their money at the box office.

WHY DOES THIS ASSHOLE STILL HAVE A CAREER?!?!

Hi,

Most of you probably know who I am but in case you don't, let me tell you. My name is R. Kelly and I am an R&B b-list celebrity. I used to be a superstar when I was singing pop-gospel shit like, "I believe I can fly, " for kids films. That was a great job and I really enjoyed contributing to the soundtreack of the very well received Space Jam. Previously, I had hits with songs like: "Feelin on yo booty" "Don't You Say No" "Bump n Grind."

However, somewhere right after the whole Space Jam thing, I got into a bit of a Jam of my own. You see, I am what's know as the lowest form of life on the planet. I am not a man, I am a fucking animal. I have urges and choose not to control them. What I'm trying to get at is...well...I LIKE TO FUCK CHILDREN. Furthermore, not only do I enjoy fucking them but I take great pleasure in sodomizing and urinating on them, especially when I can capture all of this to show the homies. The homies really enjoy this shit as it just makes me seem much more of the ALPHA male than anyone else.

The trouble came when a bit of the, "home movie" I made depicting all of my favorite extra-curriculur activities got leaked onto the internet and people could see me for the true piece of shit I am. While I was indicted on 21 counts of child pornography, I had a stellar legal defense, I just said, "It's not me." Apparently this was enough to keep me out of the Pokey, where justice would have been served and I would have been fucked in the ass and pissed on until I was dead. Also, my recording career is still on fire cause all of the younger rappers want me on their jams cause, I'm a kiddie fucker that got caught and nothing happened to me, so I lend some street cred.

Well, it's almost time for school to let out and I just happened to have swallowed 4 or 5 Viagra, so I need to be on my way. I hope you all have a blessed day and just remember, "Age ain't nothin but a number."

PEACE!

Hey, I'm Jimmy, or Jackass, or Jackass Jimmy. I'm 32, live in a house in the ghetto in the smallest state in the union. I went to school with the other guy who writes for this blog. I work for a non-prophet agency, keeping the world and its inhabitants safe from those that would destroy it. My diploma also says "I should be in Hollywood, but Hollywood called and said they were all full, and that I should call back on Monday." That was almost 6 years ago.

So now...I get up and hit life hard and first cause in general, it's a kick to the junk. I try to have a good time and laugh as much as possible cause there is a ton of shit out there making it hard to smile most days. Like anything else, nothing good comes easy and as Thomas Jefferson once said, "Tis better to die on your feet, than live on your knees."

What do you all want to see here? What can we talk about? This internet thing makes the world a much smaller place, maybe it can do some good.

I hope you all are well.

Cheers,
JJ